Biscuits? Goodies? The Easter Bunny? I honestly can’t tell if these guys are pervy or just hungry.

On second thought, I’m going to go with pervy. And creepy.

Really freaking creepy.

(Source: X-Men #48 (Sept. 1968), Stan Lee, Arnold Drake, Don Heck, and Werner Roth)

You know, Tony, when you’re already a superhero who has laser-armed psychos after you day after day, maybe you should learn to keep it in your iron pants. Or, you know, at least date less crazy ladies.

Just a thought.

(Credits: Tales of Suspense #69 (Sept. 65), Stan Lee and Don Heck)

Amazing Spider-Man #24 (May 1965), from Stan Lee and Steve Ditko, may in fact be a meta commentary on insanity in that, after you’ve read it, you might question if you are completely off the rails. It is not, however, a delusion, but a comic that actually exists in the world.

The comic begins with a delivery man bringing a hat Aunt May has bought for Mrs. Watson’s tea party. He wants $6.75 COD, and Peter Parker gets it from the safest place to store money in any house, the cookie jar. Since Spider-Man is usually rewarded only in action and not cash, the cookie jar is a little low on both money and cookies. Peter decides it’s time to set his high school studies aside for a while and go take some pictures of Spider-Man to sell to the Daily Bugle.

There’s one problem in his plan, however. No one in New York City appears to be breaking the law.

Maybe you should try playing hard to get, Spidey. Desperation is never attractive.

Spider-Man is, however, lucky enough to stumble upon a nice jewelry store robbery. While the robbers are busy knocking over the jewelry store and possibly terrorizing the people inside, Spider-Man takes his time setting up his camera and waiting for the robbers to come out and stand in the optimal place for his photographs.

Everything finally starts going according to plan as Spidey takes down the crooks, all within view of his trusty camera. But it’s not only a camera eye on him. Daily Bugle reporter Frederick Foswell has seen the whole thing!

Foswell recognizes Spider-Man’s “punchin’ face” when he sees it.

Now Peter can’t sell the photos to J.J. Jameson, since Foswell saw the robbery but didn’t see Peter Parker there taking pictures. Peter decides he can’t risk Foswell telling that to Jameson and exposing his secret identity. So he destroys the negatives of the pictures (despite not having the money to buy more film) and declares the whole thing a “fizzle.” Sure, he stopped a robbery in progress and took criminals off the streets, but what good is that if you can’t cash in on pictures of it?

Broke and filmless, Peter decides he might as well sneak into The Daily Bugle and visit his girlfriend, Betty Brant. He doesn’t, however, want to be spotted by J.J. because really, who wants to have a conversation with that guy? So he does what any sane person would do and crawls along the floor of the office, hiding behind desks whenever he sees Jameson. There’s one close call when J.J. goes on the rampage, screaming for the head of the copy boy, but Peter finally makes it to Betty Brant’s desk unscathed.

The real question, Miss Brant, is why on Earth aren’t you getting my coffee?

Peter rationally explains that he’s crawling on the floor because he’s not enough of a man to risk a chance meeting with Jameson. Betty calls him silly, but then shoves his head back down as soon as she sees Foswell. (That guy’s just ruining everything today.)

While hiding under Betty’s desk, however, Peter discovers a letter she dropped addressed to Ned Leeds, a reporter currently in Europe. Peter questions Betty about why she’d dare write a letter to some other guy when she has a boyfriend. Because clearly, a relationship means all contact with other males is strictly verboten. Betty tells Peter that Ned wrote to her first and she felt bad for him since he was a lonely in Europe and didn’t know anyone. To which Peter sarcastically (and maturely) replies with “It sort of brought out the mother instinct in you, eh?”

Clearly, Peter, Betty is writing letters to Ned that could be submitted to Penthouse Forum. That’s why she keeps them on her desk at work. You don’t have to trust your girlfriend, or anything insane like that. You can just flip on her and storm out, like the beacon of maturity you are.

Honestly, Betty, you could do a lot better. I mean, just look at his outfit.

Peter decides the best way to deal with his jealousy is to put his Spider-Man costume back on and swing around the city. Because hey, why not? He questions why he’s so jealous, since he and Betty aren’t even engaged. Everyone knows you can’t dictate a woman’s every move until there’s a ring on her finger, Spider-Man.

He also wonders whether J.J. and Foswell will use the story about him nabbing those jewelry store burglars from earlier. We quickly find out that yes, Jameson wants to use that story. Only it’s a little bland, what with being factual and all. He’d rather it be re-written with Spider-Man as the bad guy. He asks Foswell to claim that Spider-Man completely brutalized those guys. You know, the poor, innocent thieves who were just trying to make a living stealing from jewelry stores!

Foswell isn’t so sure about that and Jameson tries to get him on his side by reminding him about that time Spider-Man sent him to jail for being a crime boss and all. (There Spider-Man goes again, stopping criminals! Can’t something be done about that?) Foswell says he tries not to think about that too much, so Jameson gives up on getting any use out of him. He does, however, have a new, even better idea! He decides instead of being the only person writing editorials about how much Spider-Man is a menace, he’ll get ordinary people to go on record saying they hate Spider-Man, too. Brilliant!

Responsible journalism at work, folks.

Once the promise of being in the paper is on the table, people can’t wait to line up to say what a jackass Spider-Man is. Not everyone, however, is so quick to sell-out. Midtown High football captain Flash Thompson makes it known that he thinks Spidey is the greatest – and The Daily Bugle better print that!

Regrettably, however, the reporter has somehow managed to run out of tape right at that moment and can’t include Flash’s statements. Flash is having none of that, however, and chases the man down, threatening him with what he’ll do, should he dare malign the good name of Spider-Man.

The Daily Bugle: always fair and balanced when it comes to Spider-Man

Once he’s done defending the honor of Spider-Man, Flash decides to go indulge in some of his hatred of Peter Parker. (Oh, the irony!) Flash finds Peter with his “reluctant” girlfriend, Liz Allan, as she asks Peter for help with her science homework.

Flash tries to talk to Liz, but she wants nothing to do with him, probably because of that whole “reluctant girlfriend” thing. (What does that even mean, comic from 1965???) She walks off from Flash, leaving him to seethe about how much he hates that Peter Parker and can’t wait for the chance to be alone with him so he can beat him to a pulp. You know, just as long as it doesn’t interfere with the time he spends defending Spider-Man.

I’m sorry, Flash. Any woman who tells you “toodle-oo” is not nuts about you. Just nuts.

In the meantime, J.J. Jameson has immediately printed copies of all the “interviews” from people who claim to hate Spider-Man and distributed them around New York City. Who has time to worry about printing schedules at a time like this? The fact that Spider-Man is a menace must be known!

His boldface lies, er, respectable journalism seems to be doing the trick, too, as the people who read the Bugle decide that if so many people state in an op-ed column in a newspaper run by someone with a clear anti Spider-Man agenda say that Spidey’s evil and must be stopped, well, he should be! Sure, they never really thought Spider-Man was that bad of a guy, but if everyone else does, why, he should be in jail!

Then, just to make this even more the best day of J. Jonah Jameson’s life, Dr. Ludwig Rinehart, renowned psychiatrist on vacation from Europe, stops by the Daily Bugle to tell Jameson that Spider-Man isn’t just a menace – he’s certifiably insane!

If this is what passes as “logic” in Jameson’s mind, so much is suddenly explained…

After receiving news from this completely reliable and fact-checked source, Jameson decides to immediately run another story about Spider-Man, this one claiming he’s mentally insane. (I really feel for the people who have to keep printing all these special editions of the Daily Bugle. I imagine they never sleep, never see their families. Instead, they live out their miserable existences chained to the printing presses, awaiting the every whim of J. Jonah Jameson.)

Back at home in Queens, Peter Parker has gotten his hands on what’s at least the third edition today of the Bugle, only to read that he’s a certified nutjob. Aunt May, unaware that the paper is actually talking about her own nephew, tells Peter he shouldn’t read the paper because all those news stories will just give him nightmares. The newspaper should know better than to print all those alarming crime stories where the impressionable youth might see them! (I’ll assume Aunt May believes the newspaper should be more like Cat Fancy.)

Peter, not feeling particularly insane at the moment, decides to call Betty Brant and ask what she knows about this Dr. Rinehart.

He’s from Europe, so you know everything he says is true!

Now this Dr. Rinehart? He’s never spoken to Peter, as far as anyone can tell. He’s never treated Spider-Man, and is basically just like those guys who give interviews to tabloids claiming they know Kim Kardashian actually believes she’s a two-headed llama because they treated someone this one time and totally know what they’re talking about, okay!?!  But hey, he claims he’s a famous European psychiatrist, so everything he says must be true, right? Right?!

Peter immediately runs from his house, wanting to meet with Dr. Rinehart and find out straight from the source if he’s actually a crazy person. On the way there, however, he runs into none other than Flash Thompson, who thinks Peter might be going off to have a secret rendezvous with Liz Allan. Peter realizes he’s being followed by Flash and can’t change into his Spider-Man costume in order to meet Dr. Rinehart. (That alone might be enough to drive someone crazy.) Peter has an idea though: distract Flash with something shiny! (No, really.)

He grabs his “spider-beam” from his belt holder and and puts up the “spider signal” to distract Flash long enough for him to change into his costume.

NaNaNa…Spider-Man!

While Flash Thompson runs off to alert Commissioner Gordon, Spider-Man continues on to the Bugle to see if Jameson will tell him where he can meet with Rinehart and be hopefully declared sane. (Because yeah, that so sounds like something J.J. will help you with, Spider-Man…)

But wait! Before Spider-Man can get there, he runs into none other than Dr. Octopus! And holy shit, he just came right through the wall. Like magic!

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the octopus man sleeps tonight…

And then he vanishes! But wait! It’s the Sandman! Spider-Man doesn’t even have time to formulate a plan, the Sandman attacks so fast.

And then he’s gone, too! This can only mean one thing. Spider-Man is cracking up!

No one would want to be rescued by a man in spider-webbed spandex if he were also crazy…

Spider-Man then swings past a giant bat. Which could either be suspicious or could be reacting to seeing a giant signal in the sky. It’s a toss up, really.

Now if only he can get to Dr. Rinehart before…

Oh, shit! It’s the Vulture!

Vulture men: the silent killer

Surprising only Spider-Man, the Vulture quickly vanishes, just like Dr. Octopus and the Sandman. Spidey is now convinced he’s truly insane and decides he can’t risk seeing Jameson now and, who will probably just use this as more fodder for his Spider-Man hate campaign. (Sanest decision made by anyone in this comic. Not that it’ll last long, however.)

Spidey heads back home, hoping a good night’s sleep will make him stop hallucinating supervillains. Instead, he gets a look at himself in the mirror, realizes he looks terrible, and runs from the house before Aunt May can see him and think he’s crazy, too. Because nothing says “sanity” like fleeing into the night.

Don’t worry, Petey. She laced that milk with lithium. You’ll be right as rain soon enough!

His “spider speed” is apparently not as speedy as he thinks it is, because Aunt May sees him take off. He also leaves the door wide open behind him, which Aunt May comments is behavior completely out of character for him. She knows he must be troubled. Probably because of all those newspapers he’s been reading!

Newspapers: driving families apart since 1965

Spider-Man knows now that he has to go right to the source – Dr. Rinehart. And thankfully, the paper printed Dr. Rinehart’s address right in the article!

But wait, you may be saying. Spider-Man didn’t know where Dr. Rinehart was before, which is why he was on his way to ask Jameson. And to that I say you are being waaay too picky. Look, Stan Lee is a busy man. He has a lot going on in his life. He can’t be expected to remember continuity from literally pages ago! The next thing you’ll be asking him to remember is his own characters names!

Spider-Man manages to make it to Dr. Rinehart’s without being attacked by anymore phantom villains. But does that mean his sanity has returned? Nope!

Mental illness has turned Spider-Man’s world upside down.

Spider-Man runs from the room, convinced that the fact that he sees furniture on the ceiling means he’s going to hurt someone. How Spidey makes the leap from visual hallucinations to violent delusions is never explained. Maybe because Spider-Man is crazy.

Dr. Rinehart gets off the ceiling long enough to chase Spider-Man down. Spider-Man has a sobbing breakdown on the doctor, begging him to help him before his insanity makes him hurt people.

After this, Dr. Rinehart can finally get that job with US Weekly!

Dr. Rinehart brings Spider-Man back into his office and – shocker! – all the furniture is back on the floor where it belongs! Spider-Man takes this as a sign that maybe he can regain his sanity after all!

Spider-Man tells Dr. Rinehart about all the things he’s been experiencing ever since he read that article that said he was crazy. (Because sure, none of this happened before, but if he read it in the paper, it must be true!) Dr. Rinehart insists this is all “to be expected” and all he’s going to need to do is have extensive psychotherapy.

And then – as if right on cue – Spider-Man’s hallucinations are back! He sees the villains attacking again, but Dr. Rinehart claims he doesn’t see them. It’s official Spidey – you’re nuts!

Don’t worry, Spider-Man. It’s just a little schizophrenia. No big deal!

Meanwhile, back at the Daily Bugle, someone has actually gotten off their ass and practiced some experienced journalism in the form of doing an actual background check on Dr. Rinehart. Foswell has discovered that there is no psychiatrist named Ludwig Rinehart, from Europe or anywhere else. (You don’t say!)

J.J. Jameson decides to chose this moment to worry about his journalistic integrity and demands they kill the story on Rinehart. (Maybe those people chained to the printing press will finally get a break…) He then rushes out to confront Rinehart in person.

At this point you may be asking yourself (but probably aren’t), what about Betty Brant? Well, she’s there, in the office, lamenting her love troubles while she waits for Jameson to come back.

Someone has to be on call at all times at the Bugle just in case a story comes in about that menace Spider-Man.

Betty Brant isn’t the only person who has Peter Parker on the mind tonight. He’s also haunting the thoughts of one Mr. Flash Thompson, who wonders if Liz Allan is out with Peter at that very moment. He’s decided to wander the streets, hoping to catch them together so he can finally take his aggression out on Peter.

Flash has no such luck catching his girlfriend and Peter in flagrante, but he does find someone he can use as a target for his anger – J.J. Jameson A.K.A. “the guy who’s always knockin’ on Spider-Man.” As the President of the Forrest Hills Spider-Man Fan Club, Flash takes it upon himself to chase Jameson down and demand that he stop printing stories that malign Spidey.

Jameson, naturally, takes the time to stop and discuss the issue with Mr. Thompson and – no, wait, he doesn’t do that. He tells him to go play in traffic.

The X-Men get picked on enough, Flash. THE WORLD FEARS AND HATES THEM.

Jameson keeps running, ignoring Flash’s threat to gather up some friends and picket the Bugle. He’s got to stop Dr. Rinehart before he ruins his good name and makes people think his paper is full of lies he just made up!

Dr. Rinehart, however, is busy psychoanalyzing Spider-Man and curing his “schizophrenia.” He’s got a simple solution, too – if having a secret identity is tearing apart Spider-Man’s psyche, then all he has to do is reveal who he really is. Problem solved!

And Spider-Man’s totally about to just go along with it, too (right after he looks up “gullible” in the dictionary to see if his picture is there) when an unlikely hero saves the day.

J. Jonah Jameson!

Jameson has spent so much of his life angry, he has literally turned red.

Spider-Man hears Jameson accuse of Dr. Rinehart of being a fraud, and begins to think maybe this complete stranger doesn’t actually know anything about his mental state. However, before Jameson can say anything else, Flash Thompson arrives to “help” his hero Spider-Man. And by “help” I mean tackle J.J. and let the actual villain run off.

Spider-Man chases Dr. Rinehart, and while the hallucinations appear again, they seem way less real this time. They run into the next room, which is an exact replica of the other room, only with everything stuck to the ceiling. Spider-Man’s been played!

Spidey then tackles Dr. Rinehart and “yields to a sudden impulse” to yank on Dr. Rinehart’s hair. Or what would be his hair were it not stuck to a mask.

And he would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling spider-kids!

Who would’ve ever thought that the “psychiatrist” who claims Spider-Man is crazy and could only be cured by revealing his true identity might actually be a villain trying to learn the true identity of Spider-Man? Twist!

Spider-Man ties up Mysterio with his webs and leaves because his work here is done. He wishes Mysterio better luck next time — “but not too much better” – and heads out.

But that still leaves the question as to how Mysterio was able to pull any of this off. How did he make Spider-Man think he was hallucinating? How did he manage to stay on the ceiling in the upside down room?

Don’t worry – Mysterio explains it all to Jameson in a way that makes everything he did seem perfectly possible and within the realm of scientifically sound.

See! It all makes sense!

After Mysterio’s confession, Jameson has a soul-crushing realization. If he’d simply stayed out of it, Spider-Man would now be defeated and his least-favorite “menace” would be off the streets.

All that hate and scheming could finally be over. He could’ve lived a good life, maybe retired to a nice tropical island somewhere, safe in the knowledge that Spider-Man was gone for good. But alas, no. He ruined all of that himself, and now not only has to live with that knowledge, but has to be mocked by Flash Thompson for it.

This is how ulcers are made.

So what is Spider-Man going to do now that he’s no longer schizophrenic?

Be a total dick, of course!

He runs into Liz Allan on the way home and decides he’ll go “tutor her in science” out of spite towards Betty for daring to send letters to Ned Leeds. Also, when Aunt May tells him she was worried about him when he ran out of the house (and ran out on cake!), Peter tells her to stop embarrassing him in front of women (he can do that himself, thank you very much!) and leaves with Liz. Aunt May tells him she’ll wait for him until he comes home from being out with his “young lady.” In the meantime, one can only assume that she’ll sit alone, baking cakes and waiting for Peter to come home so they can talk about how hard it is to be a teenager.

She’ll also be broke, since Peter never managed to make the money he’d planned to make in the first place. Oh well, at least he’s not in the Loony Bin!

All’s well that ends…well?

But have you ever asked yourself which one of them spends more time running through the pages of comic books baring their chests?

Well, whether you have or not, I’m going to settle that debate right now, with the Definitive Shirts-Off Competition. A five-round battle that will finally decide once and for all whether Nick Fury or Wolverine has spent more time subjecting us all to their man-nips.

Before I begin, I’ll explain my very scientific method for developing this competition. In the name of fairness, I picked two sets of comics, each one a solo-title for one of our competitors, and each one that ran around the same era of comics (between the 80’s and 90’s). For Nick Fury, I chose comics from Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD vol. 2, which ran from 1989 – 1992. For Wolverine, all comics were chosen from Wolverine vol. 1, which ran from 1988 – 2003 (though the most recent comic I used was from 1998).  All the issues I chosen were picked at random, with the help of a random number generator. Comics were only rejected if they didn’t include any shirtless panels at all. Because hey, if this is a bare chest competition, then we needs some bare chests.

For each of the ten comics chosen (five of each), I did a count of how many panels involved either full bare chests or panels where Wolverine or Fury’s shirts were ripped to the point that they might as well be shirtless. At the end, I’ll tally up who has a higher number of shirtless panels, and we’ll have our winner!

And now, let the battle begin!

Round One

vs.

In this round, we pit Wolverine #90 against Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD #25. While there’s a pretty impressive scene of Fury doing shirtless martial arts, he manages to only keep his shirt off for three panels. Wolverine, on the other hand, is shirtless for eight panels, over four different scenes, one of which has him in a hot tub.

Round One: Wolverine
Current Tally: Wolverine – 8, Fury – 3

Round Two

vs.

This round is Wolverine #3 against Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD # 31. Neither of them racks up a very impressive chest-count in this round, with just one shirtless scene each, and, for most of Fury’s, he’s technically wearing a shirt, he just doesn’t bother to button it. Or close it at all, really. He shows off more than enough pecs for it to count, and I’ll give him the points on this one. So that’s three panels for Wolverine and five for Fury.

Round Two: Nick Fury
Current Tally: Wolverine – 11, Fury – 8

Round Three

vs.

Here we have Wolverine  #52 and Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD #3. Fury puts up a good fight in this one, and he’s somehow reverted to his WWII self, back when he seemingly wore nothing but tear-away shirts. However, Wolverine is not allowing himself to be beaten with this one as he spends the entire comic shirtless, including the cover. In the end, that’s twenty-four shirtless panels for Wolverine to Nick Fury’s seventeen.

Round Three: Wolverine
Current Tally: Wolverine – 35, Fury – 25

Round Four

vs.

This round is Wolverine #42 against Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD  #21. This one has to go to Wolverine. Even though Fury goes the full shirtless in a wrestling match with Baron von Strucker, it’s only three panels of shirtless glory. Wolverine spends the entire comic baring his manly, manly chest – for thirteen total panels. Also, Nick Fury makes an appearance in Wolverine #42 and keeps his shirt on the entire time.

Round Four: Wolverine
Current Tally: Wolverine – 48, Fury – 28

Round Five

vs.

The final round comes down to Wolverine #15 and Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD #6. Wolverine’s in the lead here, with three rounds to one in his favor and Fury trailing by twenty panels. But this is all a numbers game, folks, and Fury can pull back in the lead with one good panel count.

A panel count of forty-four to be exact.

That’s right. Nick Fury bares his chest an astonishing forty-four times in this comic. Wolverine puts up a pretty good fight with his own count of fifteen panels, but forty-four is hard number to beat.

Round Five: Nick Fury
Current Tally: Wolverine – 63, Fury – 72

WINNER

Well, there you have it folks. Winning by nine panels is Nick Fury, Agent of Chest Hair. Wolverine put up a good fight for sure, but it’s hard to beat a man with a dedication to bare chests like Nick Fury’s. This is a man who fought almost all of WWII with no more than scraps of fabric as the top of his uniform, his chest so manly no shirt could contain it, even in the dead of winter.

Wolverine may be the best there is at what he does, but Nick Fury? He’s the best at being shirtless.

One of the things that makes him so awesome? Even when wearing a mask made of solid metal, he can easily convey the depth of his emotions. Metal yields to the strength of his will!

And Doom? He is a man of many, many emotions. Some people make the mistake of thinking that his only emotions are anger, furor, and ire but that’s just not true. Our Once and Future Overlord is capable of of feeling feelings much, much deeper than that.

To get a glimpse into Doctor Doom’s soul, one needs to look no further than Fantastic Four #16 (July 1963)

See! It says he’s the “most amazing” right there on the cover. That makes it a FACT!

WISTFUL

Doom has dreams. He has hopes and desires. Sometimes that dream is grand, such as finally destroying that infernal Reed Richards. But sometimes, it’s a smaller, simpler dream. Like making his cape from a fabric that never wrinkles, or shrinking his enemies into nothingness. For Doom, there’s nothing quite like indulging in a daydream when it feels as if he’s holding it there, right in the palm of his hand.

BOASTFUL

Doom knows he’s better than everyone else. (Especially that infernal Reed Richards…) He doesn’t need to have his plans fall perfectly into place in order to feel fulfilled as a villain and a man. But when those plans do fall into place, well, Doom has every right to boast! After all, he is smarter than you. All of you. You should feel honored to get to bask in the glory of Doom! Not everyone gets the opportunity to hear the tales of Doom’s greatness. Some people are just sent to Latverian prison.

EXCITED

Some people make the mistake of believing Doom doesn’t know how to have fun, but that simply isn’t the case. Doom has many hobbies he enjoys, some that don’t even involve plotting against that infernal Reed Richards! It’s a well-documented fact that Doom involves poking insolent peasants with pitchforks, writing op-ed pieces for the national Latverian newspaper about how amazing our Lord Doom is, and evil gardening. But his true passion is, of course, science. Nothing, nothing makes Doom more excited than performing feats of scientific excellence. (Except maybe when he’s performing those feats of scientific excellence to show up that infernal Reed Richards. That’s the very best.)

BLISSFUL

Another misconception about Doom is that he’s never happy. This also isn’t true. Doom knows happiness, the likes of which pathetic weaklings such as yourself can never fully comprehend. He will know sheer bliss unlike any this puny world has ever seen before the day he finally destroys that infernal Reed Richards. But until that day, he can settle for the bliss he feels when taking piles of small, unmarked bills from lizard men. (Or when he eats a cupcake. Doom does enjoy a good cupcake.)

IRKED

This is an emotion of Doom’s we’re all familiar with. Many people might believe this is Doom’s default emotion, but it’s not his fault – inferior people are irksome to Doom, and, well, everyone is inferior (especially that infernal Reed Richards)! You cannot possibly expect him to respond without at least mild annoyance when pathetic, lesser creatures like Ant-Man dare to call him mad when he’s busy waiting for lizard men. Doom is a busy man, and you’re bothering him with your incessant prattling!

DISAPPROVING

You know, lizard men, Doom is a busy man. He’s been waiting for hours, forcing Latverian peasants to slave over hot stoves to prepare a welcoming feast, and you made him wait. He would expect that sort of thing from that infernal Reed Richards, but from you? Doom really expected better from you. He’ll let you slide this one time, since Doom is nothing if not generous (also, because you’re arriving with big bags of cash), but don’t disappoint Doom again. Next time, he’ll do more than disapprove. He’ll destroy.

FLUMMOXED

In his own mind, Doom is not often bested. (That infernal Reed Richards only wins by cheating, just so you know.) But when it does happen, it is nothing, if not flummoxing. After all, Doom is the smartest and the greatest. He puts his plans together carefully, and backs them up with science! Doom never fails. It must’ve been the fault of those lizard men. Yes, the lizard men are to blame. Doom is not flummoxed by a defeat that’s his fault. He’s flummoxed at how full of absolute stupidity lizard men can be! (Doom’s note to self: Destroy all lizard men.)

DISTRAUGHT

Doom has feelings. Deep feelings that can be wounded. If you drill through his metal exterior and manage to pierce his skin (given that he’s not, in fact, a Doombot), does he not bleed? Why are you pathetic weaklings (especially you, infernal Reed Richards!) always so hurtful? All he wants to do is rule you with an iron fist, and you have to ruin all of his dreams. It’s like you don’t even care! Doom knows you’re probably too much of an ungrateful wretch to even deserve being his oppressed subject, but he’s generous enough to overlook that and rule you anyway. Just as soon as he finishes eating this tub of ice cream.

So there you have it, everyone. Just a few of the many moods of the great Doctor Doom. These merely skim the top of the well of his emotional soul, but at least now, we can all begin to fully appreciate the man who lives behind the mask.

(Fantastic Four #16: Script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, and inking by Dick Ayers)

Today is Halloween, and in order to celebrate, we’re going to answer the most burning question in the history of comics: What if Wolverine Was Lord of the Vampires?

This question had been left unanswered until April 1991, when Roy Thomas and R.J.M. Lofficier teamed up with artist Tom Morgan to finally put an end to all the sleepless nights people around the globe suffered as they tried to imagine a world where Wolverine was the vampire king. But first, we have to find out how Wolverine became Lord of the Vampires in the first place. The Watcher kindly reminds us about that one time Storm was enthralled by Dracula but was saved when Kitty made a plea for her soul. (It was the 80’s. That sort of stuff happened all the time.)

However, there’s another world where Kitty was too late. So this happened.

This would be the start of a really awesome heavy metal video…

Dracula turns Colossus, Nightcrawler, and Wolverine into vampires because he’s Dracula, and that’s what he does. Three nights after they’re bitten, Nightcrawler and Colossus rise again, ready to serve their master.

Wolverine, however, is not with them. Dracula wonders where he’s gotten off to. He soon finds out, when Wolverine appears from the woods. Looking rather, well, um… You can see for yourself.

This is going to haunt my nightmares…

As it turns out, Wolverine is stronger than most vampires and can resist mind control. But wait! There’s more! He tells Dracula, “I can do a whole lot more than than that, darlin’” and then proceeds to be a total show off by turning into mist. And if that’s not enough, he can also turn into a wolf!

Oh, the 90’s. When Wolverine really was (inexplicably) the best at everything.

Wolverine also decides he likes the sound of that whole “Lord of the Vampires” thing. And since he’s clearly seen the title of this comic and – spoiler alert! – knows he’s supposed to be Lord of the Vampires, he tells Dracula to go “take a long, unpaid vacation to Transylvania” and hand the position over to him.

Dracula, who apparently has not taken a glance at this issue’s title, refuses, challenging Wolverine to a fight instead.

Wolverine auditions for a part in the next Underworld movie.

We’re then treated to several panels of wolf-vampire on bat-vampire violence until Wolverine bites Dracula in the jugular and tastes his blood. His sweet, delicious blood. Or, as the narration boxes tell us, “the undead mutant tastes the blood of Dracula – and finds it good.”

Bitten, Dracula changes back to his non-bat form. And then, there’s all of this:

I was wrong. That image of Wolverine’s head on a wolf’s body is going to haunt my nightmares.

I feel like I should be taking a job at the Android’s Dungeon for even taking the time to point this out, but Wolverine calls people “bub” not “bubba.” Did becoming a vampire make him decide he needed to change his catchphrases, too? Is it now going to be “I’m the best there is at what I do, and what I do is kinda rude?”

With Dracula all headless now, there’s no one to stand in the way of Wolverine’s dream. Finally, after long minutes of struggle, Wolverine can truly be…

Lord of the Vampires!

That’s not how you spell it. That’s how you say it. Stupid vampires.

Wolverine then sets out to create an army of mutant vampires. We’re told he starts with the New Mutants, though we’re never told why. I mean, no offense to the New Mutants, but if I were forming a vampire army, I’m not sure they’d be my first choice to add to my ranks.

Vampire Lord Wolverine does have some strategic planning, however. After turning the New Mutants, he starts taking out anyone who he thinks might cause him problems, starting with Magneto.

I imagine Magneto’s blood tastes extra iron rich.

Once the mutants are dealt with, Wolverine turns to humanity: “Then, and only then, is it the turn of the human race. The terror begins…as so many terrors do…in the city called New York.” (As a former New Yorker myself, I can attest that this sounds pretty accurate, really.”)

We do get to see that even in crazy, vampire-infested alternate realities, some people never change. And by “some people,” I mean J. Jonah Jameson.

“If you can’t print it in a newspaper, then it doesn’t exist! Now where’s my coffee?!” – J. Jonah Jameson

I’m a little sad this is all we see of J.J. This comic would be a million times better if it was J.J. Jameson vs. Vampires. Instead, we have to deal more with Wolverine, Vampire Douchebag. In Wolverine’s lair deep within the Morlock tunnels, Vampires Mystique and Destiny warn Wolverine that the only way to stop him is if Dr. Strange discovers the “vampire-destroying Montesi-formula” in his “Darkhold volume.”

Wolverine, however, is not about to give up his spiffy new “Lord of the Vampires” title. He fought too hard (while turned into a giant wolfman) to lose his undead kingdom now. All he has to do is kill Dr. Strange.

Wolverine practices his best Nosferatu impersonation.

Unaware that he’s Vampire Enemy Number One, Dr. Strange is patrolling New York City in search of the very vampire who are looking for him. (Oh, the irony!) He doesn’t know who’s in charge of this vampire siege, only that it doesn’t seem to follow the usual MO of Dracula.

He senses a particularly strong “aura of vampirism” in one area, which suggests to him there may, in fact, be an entire horde of vampires there. When he arrives, however, he doesn’t find a vampire horde. Just the Ruby of Cyttorak.

Oh, and vampire Juggernaut.

Vampire Juggernaut, you guys. Vampire Juggernaut.

Shattering Dr. Strange’s spine is not damage enough (even with the nice alliteration), so the Juggernaut also breaks his neck and drinks his blood. We’re told the last thing Stephen Strange sees before he dies is “Cain’ Marko’s great fanged jaws gaping wide above him.” Ick.

The Juggernaut brings Strange’s body back to Wolverine’s sewer lair. Only without his cape, because that flew off on its own. (GEE I WONDER IF THAT WILL PLAY A PART IN THE STORY LATER ON.)

Wolverine doesn’t want to take any chances by leaving Strange’s body around, so he tells Cain to dispose of him. By feeding him to his pet albino crocodiles.

That’s right. If Wolverine were Lord of the Vampires, he’d keep albino crocodiles as pets. This is the first – and last – actually badass moment in this entire comic. Savor it while you can, ladies and gentlemen.

“Put him in the Croc Pit. It’s to the left of the Lava Waterfall. Door beside the bathroom.”

With Dr. Strange out of the way, Wolverine feels like the world is his for the taking. Sure, the “Darkhold” is still out there, but he’ll just have vampires kill anyone who tries to get into Dr. Strange’s house. Problem solved!

On August 5th, the vampires invade New York, killing everyone in sight. One of these vampires is Magneto. As in the Magneto we were told earlier was “disposed of.” I guess in a world crazy enough to allow Wolverine to be “Lord of the Vampires” words no longer have the same meanings.

Wolverine and his vampire gang then take out all the superheroes in New York, choosing some to kill and some to turn. (But they’re all “disposed of.” I suppose.)

I’m with Wolverine on killing Namor because seriously, screw that guy.

We then cut to the White House, where the President is being briefed on the “plague” and how they’re completely ill equipped to deal with it.

The vampire plague, specifically. Not to be confused with a plague that can be prevented by the judicious application of real estate. Possibly in Florida.

ARE YOU SERIOUS, COMIC BOOKS?!?

I’m just going to save what’s left of my sanity and not list all the things that are unequivocally wrong with that panel and move along with the recap. All across the world, nations are attempting to fight the vampires, with the help of superheroes who were conveniently out of New York for Bite Fest ‘91, like Captain America and Iron Man. (I would imagine Iron Man would be hard for a vampire to kill even if he were around, what with his neck being covered with metal and all. You could break a fang on that.)

The military tries to take the vampires out with silver bullets, though they’re overwhelmed. There’s a reminder that wooden stakes can also kill vampires, but the military finds silver bullets more effective since they can be used from afar. (Thanks, superfluous narration boxes!) Some countries in the UN suggest invading the US to get rid of all the vampires, but the Soviets say “nyet!” (literally) to that. Who’s to say the vampires don’t have the nuclear codes? It could be Vampire Armageddon!

In the meantime, Dr. Strange is floating around on the Astral Plane, being one with the Universe. After chatting with his old teacher (also dead), he decides he must reach out to someone who’s still alive and have him use magic to destroy the vampires. And what better choice could he make than the Punisher!

Frank Castle declares War on Acne.

It’s a dark world, full of both vampires and their human servants, raining death and destruction at all times of the day and night. The Punisher is out minding his own business, shooting people who serve the vampires, when out of nowhere, Dr. Strange’s cape settles on his shoulders (I knew it was coming back!) and he can hear Dr. Strange’s voice in his head. (Creepy.)

He questions if Dr. Strange is in league with the vampires since clearly, he’s not of this world, but Strange explains he’s not with the vampires, he wants to destroy them. And he knows just how to do it – all Frank needs is the Darkhold. He explains that in the book, there’s a spell that’s the only thing capable of killing all the vampires at once. There’s just one catch – the cost of performing the spell is your soul.

That, however, is not a problem for the Punisher.

Geez. Even in a world full of vampires, Frank manages to be the most emo.

Wearing Dr. Strange’s cape over his Punisher costume (this is, most definitely, a fashion don’t), Frank sets out to break into the Sanctum Sanctorum and steal the Darkhold. He doesn’t care how many vampires Wolverine has guarding it. Instead, he mows through the entire team of Vampire X-Men, killing them with an assortment of silver bullets, “garlic grenades,” and Super-Soakers full of holy water.

Seriously. This comic has the Punisher fighting vampire mutants with waterguns. This is a thing that happened in the 90’s.

There’s so much going on in this panel, I don’t even know where to start…

The Punisher takes out vampires right and left, including Bat-Storm and the Juggernaut himself. (Using the Eye of Agamotto, which apparently could do nothing for Dr. Strange, but is all Frank Castle needs. Convenient.)

In the end, the only one standing is the Punisher. And the place he’s standing is on a giant pile of bodies.

The Punisher’s only friend is his body count.

Now that the Punisher has beaten all the mini-bosses, it’s time for him to level-up and face the big boss: Wolverine.

Wolverine shows up, vampire cape flowing and claws gleaming. The Punisher calls him “Wolverine,” but he’s having none of that. It’s “Wolverine, Lord of the Vampires, to you, Castle!” Yeah, Frank – get it right. Didn’t you read the title of this comic?

Wolverine (Lord of the Vampires) gets the first hit in when he slashes Dr. Strange’s cape off the Punisher’s shoulders, cutting off his connection to the Eye of Agamotto. (Also ruining the awesome cape-off they were having.)  But the Punisher doesn’t care if he no longer has a magical cape/amulet combo – he’s still got a gun.

Castle opens fire on Wolverine. Wolverine, being Lord of the Vampires and all, turns into mist, which, as anyone who’s taken an automatic weapon to mist before can tell you, is not a viable target.

This panel makes me wonder if the Punisher has actually rigged his gun to say “blam” every time he fires…

Realizing he can’t shoot mist, even if it is really a vampire, the Punisher drops his weapon and declares it’s time to go “mano-a-mano, Wolvie,” Uh, we’ve already discussed this. It’s Wolvie, Lord of the Vampires to you, bubba.

The Punisher, however, is a total liar, because as soon as Wolverine jumps at him, he whips out a silver sword blessed by a priest. To be fair, Wolverine had his claws out, but since they are a part of him, I guess you could argue that he was still technically unarmed. Or, you know, they’re both cheaters.

Either way, Wolverine is stabbed.

I love that Wolverine’s giant belt buckle is now a vampire, too.

The Punisher then pushes vampire Wolverine into Dr. Strange’s house, believing that the magic spells protecting the house will make Wolverine powerless. Only oops, Dr. Strange didn’t really mean completely powerless when he said there were anti-vampire spells on the house – especially not for a vampire as strong as the Lord of the Vampires. After all, the incorporeal voice of Dr. Strange tells us, Dracula even entered the Vatican this one time. So Wolverine isn’t stopped. By either the silver blade or the house spells. He’s just slowed down a little.

What we’re treated to next is literally two pages of nothing but the Punisher and Wolverine jumping around, slinging really bad insults, much like the panel above. Then, the Punisher finally gets in another hit, stabbing Wolverine right in the stomach. He staggers off, and the Punisher raises his special sword again, this time to deliver the Death Blow.

He’s unable to make it, however, because Unexpected!Kitty!Pryde leaps up through the floor, yelling at the Punisher not to kill Wolverine. She becomes tangible again just in time for the Punisher to miss Wolverine and accidentally decapitate her instead. (Whoops.)

It wasn’t until this moment that anyone realized Kitty Pryde’s head was actually made of rubber.

The Punisher has a moment of total horror at the fact that, while Kitty was a vampire, she was also “just a kid,” and he killed her. Earlier, he was spouting off about how all these “muties were dead before I got here,” but Kitty? Just a kid.

He pays the ultimate price for his emo moment, however, when Wolverine jumps from the ground in a vampiric berserker rage and stabs him right in the stomach.

The Punisher then dies, falling into a nice Jesus pose, because hey, he’s a vampire hunter and that’s what they do.

Out-of-place Jesus imagery, a sexily-posed dead woman, AND a Wolverine scream? This panel has something for everyone!

Dr. Strange chooses this time to get all Obi-Wan Kenobi up in here and appear as a ghost to impart valuable life lessons. He tells Wolverine in a spooooky voice, “It was you, Wolverine. Don’t blame Frank Castle. It’s you who doomed poor Kitty Pryde, both alive and undead – just as you doomed all other mutants. And perhaps the whole planet – on the night you became Lord of the Vampires. It was you – and you know it.!”

However, all is not lost for the world. Dr. Strange claims that the same strength that allowed Wolverine to be the most badass vampire ever right out of the grave also allowed him to retain some of his humanity, deep down inside. He had the power to save the world all along – he just didn’t know it yet!

The “part of him that was Logan is still Logan,” you see, so all he has to do is let that part be stronger than the part that is “unholy” and then all the evil inside him will be gone. Like magic!

“Go into the Light. There is peace and serenity in the Light.”

Once Wolverine choose (shorts) the Light, ghostly Dr. Strange tells Wolverine that, while he is still a vampire “the evil inherent in that state has fallen away from you, like dead leaves!” And you know this is true because Wolverine’s belt buckle has also magically reverted to the regular type and is no longer a vampire skull. I never knew why Wolverine wore giant belt buckles before, but now I do – it’s so everyone can tell at a glance whether he’s “evil” Wolverine or just regular-type “dick” Wolverine.

Dr. Strange tells Wolverine he has to stop what he’s started by reading the spell that the Punisher wasn’t able to. The book, however, burns Wolverine’s hands. Dr. Strange tells him he’s just going to have to deal with that since he’s too dead to remove the spells he placed on it. (That’s sort of your fault, too, there, Wolvie.)

Wolverine musters up even more inner strength and reads from the book (while literally sobbing) , and all the vampires in the world turn to ash. Wolverine included. FINALLY.

NYC Sanitation is going to be grouchy when they have to clean up this mess…

Dr. Strange then floats away to the “spaces within spaces” forever to join his mentor in ghostly bliss. The Watcher tells us that this world is facing an uncertain new dawn, but he’s sure it will be fine, since it’s a world that was strong enough to spawn people like Frank Castle and Wolverine.

And thus ends our tale about Wolverine, Lord of the Vampires. Now let’s never speak of it again.

Is that a threat?

Happy Halloween!

Remember kids, just say no to science. It kills.

(Iron Man #212, November 1986, Danny Fingerworth and Dwayne Turner)

Rahne Sinclair is from Scotland, and is therefore not used to hot jungle weather. Dani Moonstar has a way to fix this. One that I’m pretty sure she learned after watching the questionable set-up to some girl-on-girl porn.

Rahne’s having none of that, however. You can’t be naked in front of boys, Dani. That’s just not “proper.”

Also not proper? Dani’s denim hotpants. Damn, 1983, denim hotpants? Really? Although I suppose they could keep you cool in a jungle. At least cooler than being covered completely in sweaty, sweaty spandex.

Disappointingly, however, this touching embrace does not lead to Sapphic jungle love. Instead, it leads to this:

Kinky.

Yeah, I didn’t see that one coming either…

(The New Mutants #8, October 1983, Chris Claremont and Sal Buscema.)

With Halloween right around the corner, I decided to review a comic that is truly horrifying. It is not, however, because of the zombies on the cover. I know Dazzler gets a lot of flack. Some of it’s deserved, and some of it isn’t. But here? Completely deserved. I can honestly say that Dazzler #33 (August, 1984) is one of the worst comics I’ve ever read. Written by Mike Carlin and penciled by Mark Bright, it’s an odd attempt to cash in on the popular video for Michael Jackson’s “Thriller,” that was very current at the time in that it was released almost a whole year before this comic.

It opens in a movie theater where “Bloody Mary” starring Vincent Price is playing. (Interesting note: This comic can mention Vincent Price by name, but not Michael Jackson or John Landis.) We learn right off the bat that Dazzler is both a complete lightweight when it comes to horror movies and, in the eyes of anyone who’s ever been trying to watch a movie in a theater, a total asshole. She screams at the screen, flails her arms wildly above her head, and then runs out of the movie theater while using her light powers like a flashlight. Total. Asshole.

Also, a cheapskate.

Dazzler, you threw a fit in a theater and ran out. Everyone’s looking. And they hate you.

Not only does Dazzler leave the movie early, but she insists her friend, Janet, who is not a total wuss about Vincent Price movies, leave with her. Then she complains more to her friend as she drags her by her arm out the theater about how she hates to waste money. Look, lady, you’re the one who stormed out of the theater in a huff because a horror movie had the nerve to be scary. That’s like going to see a romantic comedy and being shocked that there’s kissing. (Or, you know, reading a Dazzler comic from 1984 and being surprised when it’s mind-bendingly horrible.) You chose to go to a horror movie and then leave. Your poor friend is the one who wasted five bucks because she had to follow your scaredy-cat ass out of the theater.

Not content to simply ruin Janet’s night by dragging her out of movie she was enjoying, Dazzler sets out to make it even worse by trying to get Janet killed. She darts out into traffic with her, narrowly missing getting them both flattened. And why, exactly is Dazzler suddenly incapable of looking both ways before crossing the street? Because the movie she’s already out of was apparently so scary that she can’t remember there’s cars in the street. In Los Angeles.

I think I’m going to have to side with Mr. Fistshaker on this one…

Dazzler then leaves Janet and goes home alone, despite being jumpy about everything. She claims she has nothing to fear but getting fired for not coming up with new moves for the aerobics class she’s teaching, but she also runs home as fast as she can. Presumably so Vincent Price can’t catch her. (To be fair, he was pretty spry for an old dude.)

Once home, Dazzler declares that after watching part of a horror movie, she’s going to be a “nervous wreck for weeks.” Honestly, Dazzler? If she’s that easily terrified, she must’ve never taken a look in the mirror after falling asleep covered in glitter make-up.

To demonstrate just how jumpy the movie made her, she freaks out when the phone rings. It is not, however, Vincent Price calling for her soul, but just her manager, Roman. Who, most likely, she’s already handed her soul over to anyway. Roman wants her “dressed to kill” in the next half hour so they can go to the “party of the century.” Screw preparing to teach an aerobics class, it’s time to par-tay!

Uh oh! Someone’s got Daddy Issues!

Dazzler manages a “major overhaul in thirty big ones” and makes it to the party. It’s there that we move away from the “Dazzler is afraid of everything” theme and towards the “Roman is a total douche” theme. Seriously, this guy is one stereotypical sexist dickhead manager. I kept hoping Dazzler would, at the very least, stab the guy in the face with a cocktail fork, but no. We’re simply treated to a painful scene of Dazzler being showed off like a prized pony incapable of making the smallest decision for herself. Not even who she talks to.

Just shut up and look pretty, and you’ll do fine!

Some other asshole in a open yellow shirt (I know this is 1984 and all, but really?) comes up to talk to Dazzler. Dazzler recognizes him and wants to talk to him, but Roman demands that she doesn’t talk to him. She’s only allowed to talk to people he tells her to talk to. When she asks why she can’t talk to Mr. Yellow Shirt, Roman replies with, “Who’s managing Alison Blaire, you or me?!”

Cocktail fork. Face. Seriously.

Roman drags Dazzler by her arm to the other side of the room. The implication seems to be the guy in the yellow shirt is a sleazebag, but Roman’s inability to simply tell Dazzler what he knows about the other guy and let her make up her own mind like an adult makes him pretty sleazy, too.

No, Dazzler. The answer you’re looking for here is no.

However, Dazzler does manage to escape her handler long enough to meet director Bob Benson – another person on Roman’s no-no list. Dazzler tries to schmooze him by bringing up she saw his latest movie just that evening. You know, the movie she ran out of because it was too scary? Pro tip, Dazzler – if you’re trying to impress someone, don’t bring up something they made that you hated. They’re probably going to ask what you thought about it, and that will lead to awkward moments.

Awkward moments like this one:

The twist is she didn’t see it.

Bob Benson doesn’t really care if Dazzler enjoyed his movie or not because he “likes her look” and wants to use her in the music video he’s directing for Teddy Lingard. He gives Dazzler his card and tells her to call his girl. She thinks she’s died and gone to Heaven.

Roman, however, seems to think that if Dazzler spends too much time with Bob she may literally die. He tells Dazzler that Bob plays “fast and loose with his hired talent,” and he doesn’t just mean in the womanizing sense. No, people who hang out with Bob Benson get hurt.

Because, well, when you’re around Bob Benson, bad things happen. Like car explosions.

Case in point.

See, now in this case, it might be helpful for Roman to say something like hey, I know a lot of dirt about this guy, and he might try to kill you. It tends to be a little more effective than his “do what I said ‘cause I said it” attitude. Although, to be fair, if car on fire doesn’t dissuade Dazzler, nothing will. And dissuade her it doesn’t. She hears a noise in the bushes and goes to investigate. She uses her light powers to find Bob Benson, and then helps him to safety right before the car explodes completely.

Despite warning Dazzler against being around Bob and the whole exploding car bit, Roman offers Bob a ride to the hospital. Suspiciously, considering he supposedly came close to death, Bob doesn’t want a ride to the hospital. He wants a ride home. With Roman and Dazzler. After Roman told Dazzler to stay away from him. Mixed messages, dude. Mixed messages.

“Stay away from this guy. Except when I drive you to his house.” – Dazzler’s crazy manager

The next morning, Dazzler wakes up to the career boost of being mentioned in the La Times. Sure, it’s just as the woman who found an accident-prone director in the bushes after his car exploded, but any publicity is good publicity!

She also wonders if she should call Bob Benson, even though there’s multiple accidents on his sets and someone is obviously trying to kill him. But hey, this is Hollywood! You never get your big break if you don’t take a chance!

No one wants to be typecast as “that girl in the bushes.”

Still contemplating her next career move, Dazzler has to head out to her job that is actually paying her, even if she can’t bother to prepare for it. She teaches her aerobics class at Los Angeles Health and Racquet, and I guess she must’ve just made everything up on the fly since she was too busy walking out of movies and saving directors from car explosions to bother to prepare for class.

After class, she makes up her mind to take the deadly risk and work with Bob Benson. She calls him from a payphone at work, wondering as she does if he’ll even remember her.

Dazzler – you pulled the guy out of the bushes after his car exploded. If he doesn’t remember you, he’s got some sort of condition that ruins his short term memory, all Memento-style.

Dazzler decides to find out if Bob is a director or a goldfish.

It turns out that Bob does remember her (it’s a miracle!) and wants her to be at Paragon Studios in two hours for an audition. Dazzler is now sweating not from aerobics class, but from her fear of messing up the audition (ew).

She does, however, manage to clean up, change, and drive from her class to the studio in LA traffic in under two hours, so props to her for that.

Once at Paragon Studios, Dazzler meets up with Bob Benson, who apologizes for the whole exploding car incident from the night before. He usually tries to save that sort of thing for his movies! He also lets her know they’re filming this video on a short timetable because the studio thinks he might be dead soon, and then they’ll be out a director. Which, considering that his car just exploded, is probably a fair worry on the part of the studio. Albeit a little insensitive.

Bob tells Dazzler she has the role right there on the spot and that she’ll need to be there every day for the next two weeks. This isn’t good enough for her, though. She came there to audition, so why is there no audition?! Dazzler, you’re an extra, okay? The director said you have the job, and if you want it so badly you’re willing to risk your life, then just take it. But oh, no. She has to dance first, just to show how um, good she is.

I would also be suspicious if someone hired me after that…

The next day, Dazzler returns to Paragon Studios. She arrives at noon, and complains at 12:03 that she’s been there a “whole three minutes and nothing’s happened yet.” Dazzler: The Most Impatient Mutant in the World.

However at 12:04, things finally start to happen as Dazzler as sent to hair and make-up. There, she makes her first mistake. She lets this guy do her make-up.

Never let anyone with eyes this crazy anywhere near your face.

Dazzler is told she’s going in for “touch ups,” and then spends two hours in the make-up chair. She thinks that’s a little odd, but not once does she ask why it’s taking so long, ask to see a mirror, hell, even ask what her role is going to be in the music video. She simply sits there quietly for two hours “at the mercy of the make-up artist’s whim.”

At this point, I’d be out of there. Between the accident-prone director and being told to put yourself at the whim of Crazy Eyes McGee up there, I don’t think any video could be worth it. Dazzler, however, is desperate for attention, so she quietly sits in there chair for two hours without question.

So really, she shouldn’t be too shocked to discover at the end of it all, she looks like this:

Pictured: the sort of make-up that takes several hours

Dazzler still doesn’t ask what exactly she’s going to be expected to do in this video. Or even why she’s suddenly made up to look like a zombie. She just tells ol’ Crazy Eyes that her make-up looks “beautiful” (liar) and goes into the zombie pen with the other extras.

She does start to think that maybe this whole thing could be fun, whatever it is they’re going to be doing. She also questions if perhaps Bob Benson’s hobby is telling young women he’s hiring them for their looks, then making them look like zombies, and then laughing about it behind their backs. Hollywood people are dicks.

Bob Benson is laughing at you, not with you.

Bob Benson comes into the zombie pen and tells them all they’re on a tight schedule (quick! before he dies!) so they have thirty minutes to learn the dance steps. The dance he’s teaching them? Totally not the dance from the “Thriller” video. It’s not, okay!? This is something else! This is Chiller, not Thriller. Geez, why can’t you keep those two apart?!

We’re also told, rather sinisterly, that while Benson is teaching them the “Chiller” dance “other matters occupy his mind.” What other matters could be occupying his mind? Could it be…murder?

Well, we won’t find out now, because Michael Ja…er, Teddy Lindgard is here!

Not Pictured: Michael Jackson

Bob Benson runs up to “Teddy Lingard” and begins to tell him how awesome he is, much to Teddy Lingard’s dismay. He doesn’t like the “shmooz.”

Bob tells all the zombies to get to the graveyard, then walks off, saying he’ll be back in fifteen minutes. This Dazzler does decide to question, and she pretends she needs to “powder her nose” (zombies can never be too pale!) and spies on Bob Benson. She finds him at the pay phone, calling KPTP News to give them a hot tip: there’s another accident on a Bob Benson set!

Only there hasn’t been an accident on the set. That’s how Bob Benson has survived despite someone trying to kill him! He’s psychic!

Or, you know, the one behind it all, but psychic sounds more fun. (Spoiler: he’s not psychic.)

That beard really should’ve been their first hint he’s evil.

Bob catches Dazzler there listening to his call, but doesn’t really seem too concerned. He just tells her that by tomorrow, she’ll be a “household name,” then walks with her back out to the set. Pro tip: if you overhear someone’s sinister plan and they don’t care, you’re marked for death.

Back on the set for Not-Thriller, Bob tells all the zombies to pick a grave and crawl in it. Dazzler is less than thrilled, since no one told her she was going to be buried alive. To be fair, Dazzler, you never asked what this video was or what you’d have to do at all. If you don’t want to be covered in zombie make-up and buried alive, find out what you’re doing before you’re on the set dressed like the undead.

You are pretty cranky there, Ali. A nap might help.

Some guy comes over then and shovels a bunch of dirt on top of Dazzler. As it gets darker and darker in her hole, she questions why she ever did this in the first place and thinks she probably should’ve listened to Roman. As I demonstrated earlier in this recap, Roman is a controlling dick, but on this point, I’m going to have to say yeah, she probably should’ve listened to him.

Once Dazzler is good and buried, we get the chance to see Bob Benson’s amazing directorial abilities as he directs Not-Michael Jackson in the video that is totally Not Thriller.

More fright! Come on, there’s zombies! Look scared! Brilliant!

One zombie, however, doesn’t rise from her grave. Dazzler is still in the ground. Bob Benson starts off by yelling at her for missing her cue, which, considering that his earlier phone call makes it pretty clear this is probably his fault, is yet another dick move.

Bob then “discovers” that Dazzler’s grave had no air hose. He has a very dramatic freak out about how Dazzler’s probably dead, and the news is there to see it all. How could the news possibly have gotten there?! He has no idea!

This is Bob Benson’s “surprise” face.

At this point, Bob is completely convinced Dazzler’s dead, because hey, he made sure of it. There’s no way she could’ve survived without air that long, after all.

So when Dazzler’s zombie hand rises from the grave and grabs at him? Impossible. Unless…she’s an actual zombie!

All she wants to do is eat your brains…

Dazzler crawls from her grave and zombie-shambles after Bob, accusing him of killing her. Bob tries to run away, all the time screaming about how this can’t be happening. He tries to run into his trailer and hide, but that’s not enough to stop zombie Dazzler.

Bob never stops to think this could all be a set-up, but instead believes that Dazzler has actually risen from her grave to punish him for killing her. He confesses that he set up this “accident” and all the other “accidents” in order to get more press. Bob Benson is a man so desperate for attention he would murder a woman in order to get a little publicity.

Man, Hollywood really is cutthroat.

Nothing makes a man confess faster than a revenge zombie.

Once Bob Benson has outed himself as a psychopathic ego maniac, Dazzler reveals that she’s not really a zombie. (Personally, I think Marvel really missed an opportunity when they didn’t go the Dazzler: Disco Zombie route. That comic would’ve been awesome.) We find out via thought bubble that she was able to survive fifteen minutes underground through a combination of aerobic breathing techniques and creating her own air holes by using her powers like a laser. (I’m questioning the science on that, but at this point, this whole comic has been so insanely stupid I don’t even care.)

She thought something fishy was going on when everything was so easy, then the phone call to the news and the fact that her grave had no breathing apparatus tipped her off that Bob Benson had hired her just to kill her. So of course, she faked her own death and resurrection in order to get Bob’s confession. (My head hurts…)

Now that he realizes the dead are not actually coming to punish him, Bob decides to run. He doesn’t get too far, though, since Teddy Jackson over there has the power to stop fleeing criminals through dance.

You won’t be able to moonwalk your way out of this one, Bob Benson!

With Bob Benson on the ground, Dazzler rubs it in a little by telling him he must’ve seen too many monster movies, since he sure did scare easily. (She’s got a point there.)  The cops then drag Bob away, and we’re left with only one question.

Who’s going to direct the music video now?

He’s not free. He’s busy directing a video called “Thriller.” Maybe you’ve heard of it.

And now that you’re all thoroughly terrified/scarred by the horribleness, Happy Halloween everybody!

After getting hit with a “hypno-glow” while stranded in the Skrull Galaxy, Ben “The Thing” Grimm finds himself unable to clobber. The look on his face accompanying this realization can only be described in one way:

Sheer existential terror.

For what is a Thing if that Thing cannot clobber? Can there be a time for him if it is never, in fact, Clobberin’ Time?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the face of a man who has stared into the abyss of his own soul.

(Fantastic Four #92, November 1969, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby)