Iron Man, Jungle Marriage Counselor

Written by Danny Fingerworth, penciled by Paul Ryan, and originally published in January 1986, Iron Man #202 tells the story of a jungle man and his marital problems.

No, really. That’s what this comic is about.

The comic opens with Iron Man in his recently-redesigned (and aesthetically horrible) silver and red suit trying to dodge missiles that look like, giant purple well, um… See for yourself:

Penises. They look like penises.

After the, *ahem* missiles explode on Iron Man (that one’s too easy, really), we discover that this has all been no more than a testing exercise for his snazzy new armor and its force field. A test that’s being conducted by Rhodey, who is dressed like a tourist you’d see wandering a beach somewhere. My best guess is that it’s his California wear…

This is never a good look. Not even in 1986.

After checking in with Hawaiian Rhodey, Tony continues to test his unfortunately Eighties-tastic suit (seriously…this thing has bigger shoulders than Joan Collins) by buzzing the West Coast Avengers’ compound and almost smacking face first into the beach. All important skills for a superhero to perfect, I’m sure. Tony soon finds out his “helmet receiver” is working, too, when he gets a distress call to let him know there’s a plane crashing off the coast of Santa Barbara.

Yup, that’s a distress call all right.

Iron Man quickly flies in and saves the day by catching the airplane and setting it down on the beach. Let me state that again: Iron Man catches the airplane and sets it down on the beach. I tried to think of all the things that are scientifically wrong with this, but it hurt my head, so I decided to just go with it. Iron Man saved the day and everyone on the plane, and everything’s all good now. It’s not like the plane was actually sent out of control by some sinister, shadowy figure who wanted to conduct his own test of Iron Man’s armor and is watching all of this on a giant screen in his villain lair or anything.

Oh. Well, that’s going to be a problem.

Meanwhile, the cover promised us Ka-Zar the Savage, and the comic is finally going to deliver. We join up with Ka-Zar while he’s savagely…driving a red convertible down the highway in Southern California. We’re given a thought bubble for Ka-Zar that reads, “What am I doing here?” which frankly, is a damn good question. As it turns out, the Savage Land was recently destroyed by a giant robot called Terminus. Why did Terminus destroy the Savage Land and kill almost all of its occupants? In his quest for “who knows what.” (Really, that’s all we’re given on that.) So we have a British guy who grew up in a jungle land full of dinosaurs (but is actually in Antarctica) driving down the PCH in a red convertible after a giant robot randomly set fire to said jungle land. Okay. Moving on before I go cross-eyed.

However, there was one more point between the destruction of the Savage Land and Ka-Zar’s California highway cruising. It seems he was in New York, but the guilt of surviving the attacks on the Savage Land was weighing on him too much. So Ka-Zar casually mentioned to his wife, Shanna the She-Devil, that because the whole Terminus thing was making him super broody, he needed to abandon his pregnant wife (and pet saber-toothed tiger, naturally) and go away for some man time. Shanna took this as well as is to be expected.

Pictured: Marital Problems, Jungle Style

Aside from the fact that I seriously doubt a fuzzy bathing suit makes for an awesome maternity outfit, announcing at dinner you’re abandoning your pregnant wife who also just lost her home so you can go “find yourself” is a seriously dick move. And Ka-Zar clearly doesn’t even think about what all this stress is doing to that poor saber-toothed tiger. (Will someone please think of the prehistoric cats?!?)

Ka-Zar then borrows a car from the Avengers and takes off to “see the country” with the headquarters of the West Coast Avengers his “vague destination.” I think I’ve covered the level of dickery in this move, so I’ll just go on from here. After Ka-Zar almost takes out a cab because he only got his license yesterday and apparently sucks at driving anything that isn’t foot powered a la Fred Flintstone, Shanna decides to run after him, screaming “Kevin” at the top of her lungs. (He only uses Ka-Zar when he’a trying to seem more “jungle.” At home, he’s just Kevin.)

I lived in NYC for three years. We called women running through traffic with extinct cats “Tuesday.”

It turns out, however, that Shanna is not running through NYC traffic with a saber-toothed tiger in order to throw more plates. No, she’s just sad that Kevin-Zar is leaving without saying good-bye. Because he may be a “big dumb jerk,” but he’s her “big dumb jerk.” She jumps in the car, kisses him good-bye, and then stands in traffic waving at him while everyone honks and yells because honestly, blocking traffic in NYC is the cardinal sin. (Really. Don’t do that.) However, as Ka-Zar starts to drive off (shirtless, because hey, why not) I can’t help but feel a little bad about judging him so harshly for wanting to run away screaming from his wife. This woman is clearly fucking insane and has mood swings, that, well, you’d expect from someone named Shanna the She-Devil.

On second thought, the guy really should’ve known what he was getting into with that one.

We then jump forward in time to “under four days later” where Ka-Zar now driving around California and lamenting how on a four-day road trip, he hasn’t learned to read a map. He also figures his “heart wasn’t really in it” when it came to seeing America, because all he saw was highways. Gee, you think?

Anyway, sick of maps but in need of directions, Ka-Zar decides to stop off at this lovely dining establishment.

Ka-Zar, the Guy Fieri of 1986

Once inside, Ka-Zar orders a coffee, reads a comic book, and asks the waiter where the West Coast Avengers are. The answer? “Guess I do. Fifteen miles south on 101. Turn a little past the burger clown.” I guess we now know how so many people are able to just wander up to the WCA’s compound (seriously, read the old WCA comics…happens all the time) and that they’re right past a burger clown. Which really, I guess makes sense seeing as Hawkeye was the one who picked out the location. I’m sure the clown made him feel right at home, given his dark past as a circus performer.

Then, while Ka-Zar is reading the latest issue of True Detective and wondering what sort of shenanigans Private Eye Scott Brannigan is going to get into this month, some trucker comes by and drops a cup of coffee on his head. Why? Because he’s smelly and not wearing shoes. No, really.

Truckin’ Heaven does not have a “no shoes, no service” policy.

Kevin/Ka-Zar tries to politely explain to the man why he doesn’t like shoes and his shoelessness is a conscious choice, not one based on a lack of knowledge of shoes (though he gives no explanation to why he smells so bad he offends even truckers in orange puffy vests), however the trucker is having none of that. He yells “Hey, chump! Can’t you see when someone’s trying to start a fight with ya? Here, watch my fist!” and proceeds to try to punch Ka-Zar. Ka-Zar responds by grabbing his wrist and rather calmly telling him he should just go back to his table, but this is apparently more than the trucker can handle on his own, since he screams to his buddies that Ka-Zar is, in fact, “killing him.” My best guess is that Ka-Zar is secretly using some kind of jungle martial arts that allows you to murder your opponent while holding his hand.

Ka-Zar handles this by knocking out every single one of them, announcing he usually uses Breck shampoo (although clearly not recently…), and waltzing out of the diner as the poor waiter cowers in fear behind the counter. He walks back to his car, only to find a woman sitting in it, wearing a black and yellow tube-top. He suggest she may be in the wrong car, to which she replies, “No, honey, I’m in the right car.” Turns out watching Ka-Zar beat everyone in the diner into oblivion is the kind of thing that gets her hot, and she wants to be the Jane to his Tarzan (her words, not mine). Ka-Zar responds by picking her up, setting her out of the car, and driving off.

One psychotic woman per jungle man. His quota’s full, lady.

Ka-Zar then keeps driving towards the West Coast Avenger’s compound (and presumably, past a burger clown), all the while going on some long-winded mental dialogue about how maybe he wants to be a superhero, since they’re the closest thing in “civilization” to what he thinks he is. Personally, I’m a little bored now with Ka-Zar’s existential road trip and wondering if maybe Shanna purposely chased him off just so she wouldn’t have to deal with this. I’m sure the saber-tooth tiger is way less whiny.

He also wonders why he didn’t just go to Disneyland instead. Me, too, Ka-Zar. Me, too.

We cut back to the WCA compound and Tony and Rhodey parting ways after that missile test/plane rescue thing from earlier. Ka-Zar arrives shortly there afterwards (or, as Tony calls him, much to my inner 12-year-old’s amusement, Lord Plunder), and since Tony’s the only one around, he has to “play host.” With ice cold seltzer water because he is, after all, a recently in-recovery alcoholic.

Just casually relaxing here. With my seltzer. And my metal full-body armor. As you do.

Iron Man asks Lord Ka-Zar Plunder over there why he’s run off on his pregnant wife because even Tony Stark knows that’s a dick move. Also, Shanna’s hot, and Tony’s confused about the whole “abandon the hot chick to travel on your own” thing. Believe me, Tony. We’re all a little confused here. About that and so much more.

From there, Tony takes Ka-Zar on a tour of the WCA compound. Ka-Zar laments not having the free-wheeling life of a superhero because, “Sure, you’re responsible for the whole world’s safety, but the world doesn’t tell you when you have to come home at night.” (I think I’m siding with Shanna again after that one. What a self-involved prick. Seriously.) Ka-Zar’s rant about all the things his pregnant wife won’t let him do is cut mercifully short, however, when metal grabby things shoot up from the ground and try to snatch him. Tony claims he “accidentally” forgot to turn off their security system when they went out for a stroll, but I’m just going to assume that’s a lie. If I were Tony Stark and I had to listen to some dick like Kevin Plunder rant about his marriage problems, I’d “accidentally” forget to turn off the security system, too.

From there, Tony shows him the rest of the grounds and then the library, where Ka-Zar makes some smart-assed comment about not thinking anyone on the West Coast had any books (guy’s been there an hour, thinks he’s an expert) and then gets all excited when he sees some Burroughs on the shelf because shockingly he likes Tarzan. (We figured it out, buddy. Really.)

Then, this happens:

It’s nice to see a villain who’s so polite about his death threats

Remember that shadowy figure from about ten ohgodwhyisthishappenings ago? Well, it turns out that was the Fixer, and his end game is to steal Iron Man’s armor. I guess he heard it’s in new, snazzier colors now, and blue and green are just sooo 1985. The Fixer does do us all a favor, though, and drops a wall on Ka-Zar, knocking him unconscious. (It’s about time, really.) The Fixer then let’s Iron Man know he has some demands, to which Iron Man immediately replies, “You’re living in a fool’s paradise!” Iron Man gives into the demands of no one, Fixer. No one.

The Fixer saw that coming, so he shoots some ball thing at Iron Man that turns off the power to his suit. Then he finally clues Tony in on what those demands are: the suit. Iron Man is busily trying to come up with a solution for all of this when Ka-Zar wakes up and charges at the Fixer with a fire poker and this witty one-liner: “Hey, Fixer, you like cards? ‘Cause I think it’s time for you and me to play poker!” Let’s take a minute to let that one sink in.

Got it? Okay, moving on.

Ka-Zar manages to not defeat the technologically savvy Fixer with nothing but some fireplace tools, and ends up making everything worse. He gets electrocuted, knocked out again, and then gets a big metal spider stuck to his spine that will paralyze him.

Pictured: Lord Kevin’s horrible failure

While Ka-Zar was busy screwing everything up, Iron Man managed to get the power back on to his suit. It’s too late now, however, because ol’ Kevin is paralyzed and has a gun to his head. The Fixer tells Tony that he either hands over the armor, or Kevin’s a dead man. Tony ponders his options, but then decides there’s “no other choice.” He has to hand over his armor.

Okay, there’s a lot of other choices here. I’m in favor of just letting the Fixer shoot the big moron because really, that guy is just irritating. Or he could, you know, zap the Fixer with his robot suit before he shoots Kevin and the day is saved. He could try throwing one piece of the suit, distracting him, and then hitting him before he can get the rest. Anything. Anything but this…

Really, Iron Man. We’ve all seen the sex tape. We know you have no modesty.

Those panels come at the bottom of a full page of Iron Man doing what’s essentially a striptease, taking off one piece of his armor at a time until he’s left in nothing but a helmet and some red metal briefs. But that isn’t enough for the Fixer. Oh no. He’s won’t be happy until we’ve seen it all. However, in that moment, Tony’s eyes meet Ka-Zar’s, and he knows he’s awake. It Iron Man is going to act, it has to be now.

There’s no joke I can make that is more of a joke that this panel is by itself.

Tony uses the receivers in his helmet to activate the force field in his suit. It’s apparently not just useful for deflecting giant flying penises! Somehow activating the force field both knocks over the Fixer and dislodges the “tarantula” from Ka-Zar’s back. (Don’t ask me how. I don’t understand their science, man!) Ka-Zar then jumps up, grabs one of Iron Man’s boots and beats the Fixer with it while declaring, “Let me give you the boot!” I never thought I’d see the day when I longed for Spider-Man’s snappy one-liners.

Ka-Zar manages to grab one gauntlet and one boot from the pile of armor and brings only that back to Tony while saying, “Here, Irony. Maybe this boot and glove’ll be all you need to beat this guy!”

Yes, Ka-Zar. That’s all he needs. A glove and a boot. Even the fire poker would be more helpful at this point.

“Unbalanced” is one word you could use…

Surprisingly, the boot-and-glove-only plan is a complete failure. Ka-Zar ends up in the bushes. Iron Man ends up pinned to the ground with some weird metal clamp around his non-booted ankle. Iron Man tries to get free by literally using the “look behind you!” ploy and claim the rest of the armor is about to come attack the Fixer on its own, but the Fixer isn’t falling for it. Instead, he states his intention to “activate” the leg clamp and incinerate Tony, leaving only the pieces of his armor he’s wearing behind.

But wait! Apparently Kevin Plunder has finally been pushed too far, and he has a complete break, becoming only “Ka-Zar the Savage.” He swings in on a “vine” made of an electrical wire from one of the security devices, lands on the Fixer, and proceeds to beat him while ripping pieces of his own armor off with his bare hands. No witty one-liners now, folks. Just a crazed, shirtless blond man screaming “You must pay!” while savagely beating a man in green and blue pajamas.

“Ka-Zar the Savage” does have a better ring to it than “Ka-Zar the Shitty Husband.”

With the Fixer subdued, Ka-Zar and Iron Man (thankfully one again in more than metal skivvies) survey the damage. Ka-Zar then gets randomly maudlin about some place called Pangea, and how everyone there is dead, but the Fixer’s armor is kind of like stuff they had. He then declares that despite the fact he spent the last four days straight driving to California, he’s going home now because he thought about what Iron Man said and he wants to go back to Shanna. Tony gives him a shirt to replace the one he tore off while being “savage,” but apparently, shoes are still too much to ask.

Geez, Kev. Way to be a downer.

Lord Kevin “Ka-Zar” Plunder then drives away, presumably to spend the next four days smelling even worse and getting into more truck stop brawls before returning to his emotionally-unstable jungle wife. It’s so nice when two young people in love manage to work it all out.

I think this has given us ALL something to thing about…

Adios, Kevin. And this time, stay out.